Updated: Aug 26
Your three year old is zooming around the kitchen again have told him exactly one zillion times not to run in the kitchen.
Then it happens... the milk spills. You lose it.
You hear yourself screaming, "How many times have I told you not to run in the kitchen?! Now look what you've done! I don't have time to clean this up. I have to get dinner ready, walk the dog, then get to your brother's concert. Why don't you ever listen to me? Why are you always making messes that I have to clean up?"
You look down at your son. He is crying softly. He is so sad he has upset you again. With a tear in his eye, he quietly says, "I'm sorry Mommy. I know I'm bad. I'll help clean it up."
You feel terrible. You remember all the times you were just being a kid and something "went wrong" and you got yelled at by your mom or dad. You suddenly feel small inside. You feel like a little girl getting yelled at for just being a kid.
Now you're down on yourself. A voice in your head says loud and clear, "See, you are a terrible mom. I knew you could screw up this mom thing... just like you screw up everything. You are no good. You don't know how to be a good mom. You are screwing up your son, just like you are screwed up."
Both you and your son melt onto the floor sobbing. Not having any idea how you got here or what to do to change things. Hopeless. That's how you feel. Like a terrible, hopeless failure of a mom.
Stop. Take a breath. Let's try again.
A new story is possible. New beliefs are available to you, Mama.
Find a quiet place to sit and take a deep breath. Make a cup of tea or cool lemonade.
Find your center. Find the place inside you that is you. Before all the yelling and disappointing your parents.
Are you willing to get curious? Get curious about your need for control, for perfection.
Where do you find that in your body?
Find that place in your body and ask that place some questions:
What am I believing when I feel the need to be perfect?
What am I believing about myself when I make a mistake?
How has the belief that I need to be perfect helped me in the past?
Is it true? Do I need to be perfect?
Could I let that belief go?
Could I decide to believe that human beings make mistakes?
Could I embrace the reality that mistakes are part of life?
Could I decide to practice self-compassion when things don't go the way I wanted?
Could I have unconditional self-love when I don't do my best.
Could I decide to believe that mistakes are part of learning, stretching, growing, trying, creating and being human?
Could you find the little girl inside who was yelled at for spilling milk in the kitchen? Could you find her and hold her and tell her that spilling milk happens. It's part of life... Tell your little girl self...
"I still love you. You are my little girl. You are going to make a zillion mistakes in your life and nothing will ever change how much I love you. Now, let's grab some rags, clean up this spill quickly together. Then let's finish making dinner, quickly throw the dog a few balls, and get to your brother's concert. Won't that be fun?"
When we are brave enough to give our inner child exactly what we needed and deserved as children, we have a much greater capacity to give our own children exactly what they need and deserve from us in the present moment ~ compassion, grace, understanding, acceptance and most of all, unconditional love.
Imagine each day, best you can, giving your own children exactly what you would have wanted from your parents when you were a child.
If you can make that your practice, both you and your children will heal and thrive. And remember... you don't have to do "imperfect" perfectly!! Old habits will creep in and when they do, give yourself that same self-love, compassion and grace you always deserved and deeply need.
This process can be hard and even impossible alone. If you would like support in giving your inner child what you needed as a child so you have it to give to your own child in the here and now, reach out to set up a no-cost Discovery Call. I promise, radical transformation with your child is possible once you transform and heal your own childhood wounds.
I look forward to being part of your journey to have the relationship with your child you always dreamed of having. Let's connect today!