Parents, it’s not their phones or social media… It’s you.
This is an extremely unpopular opinion: It’s not your children’s phones and it’s not social media; it’s parents.
Before I go on about what “It” is, let me share my expertise. How can I make such a bold and erroneous-sounding statement? I have been working with all ages of children for more than 40 years. I have worked with kids as a babysitter, public school teacher, museum educator, computer-learning center facilitator, preschool teacher, summer camp director, outdoor educator, as the mom of two now grown, home-educated sons, and currently as a Parent Coach.
My approach has been called “Alchemist Maverick,” meaning I get “magical” results by breaking all the rules. As a teacher, parent and now coach, I help people make paradigm shifts to get different results than are possible by following the current parenting norms and expectations.
So this book is going to challenge what you “know” to be true and what the current wisdom and guidance is telling you. Here’s the thing: If what parents are being told to do is working, parents should keep doing it. But as your gut already knows, and as I will explain in this book, what parents are doing today about social media and phones isn’t working. In fact, it’s making the problem worse. So we have to open up our hearts and minds to look for different approaches to the challenges kids are facing around phones and social media in the world in which they are growing up.
I know that nearly every parent, educator, child psychologist, researcher, scientist, doctor and even kid disapprovingly disagrees with the title of this book. How can the problems we are seeing with kids today be caused by what parents are doing (and not doing)?
In this book, I will give examples from my many years of working with children as a teacher and parent. I have changed the details and names to protect the privacy of the families in the examples and stories I share.
If you’ve made it this far with anything remotely resembling curiosity rather than hyperventilating canceling rage and indignation, I applaud you. Nice job! Let’s dive straight on into:
Parents, it’s not social media and it’s not their phones. It’s you.
Let me start by saying more about what I mean by “It.”
In the 40+ years I have been working with children of all ages… “It” has been changing and we all know it.
“It” is everything from children, tweens, teens and young adults lacking motivation, self-esteem, positive mental health, and all too often the ability to get out of bed in the morning. Young people who have low frustration tolerance, crippling anxiety, worsening depression, alarming rates of “failure to launch,” and much, much worse outcomes.
Children and young people today feel less in control of their own destinies than in previous generations, which in turn leads to mental health issues. William Strixaud PhD and Ned Johnson in their excellent book, The Self Driven Child tell us, “Students have shown a decreased belief in controlling their own destiny and an increased belief in external forces controlling their destiny. This is associated with an increase in depression and anxiety levels. Students thus feel powerless and become passive and adopt a defeatist attitude.”
This increased feeling of powerlessness and passivity in large part stems from the way parents respond to their young children’s emotions. These days, most parents are terrified of their children’s emotions. Parents experiencing extreme discomfort with even their children’s mildest discomfort. Parents who will do anything to stop their kids from feeling anything at all. Not only do so many parents today have a zero-tolerance policy for feelings you might expect like anger, frustration, disappointment, anxiety or sadness, but many also cannot tolerate “too much” happiness, surprise, joy, excitement or volume of any kind.
Recently, when listening to a mom whose son is 19, living at home, sleeping all day and playing video games all night (as so many do), I replied by describing the behaviors I saw in a home that morning in which the children are six and almost three. Halfway through my description of what went down that morning, the mom of the 19-year-old stopped me in my tracks, “Wait! You are describing my home when my son was six. How did you know?”
When parents are afraid of their children's emotions, they intervene by accommodating - doing anything and everything to get the feelings, the screaming, the uncontrollable reaction to stop. Although well-intentioned, the result is children who do not learn how to sit with and process difficult emotions. Psychologist Terry Real describes this reality in his book Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, “Every day in my office, I see what happens to people who didn’t, as children, receive help modulating their emotions. Generally, they’re cut off from their emotions. Without ancillary help from a grown-up’s nervous system, they did—and still do—find emotions, theirs and often yours, overwhelming.”
Finally, I Get to Be Angry!
I had been coaching a family regularly for about three years. I started by coaching the son who was seven at the time. He had a little sister who was a spirited two year old. The first time I spent time with Aiden, we built a castle and had a battle. He won the battle and I left him one of the warriors to play with. He gave me one of the Easter eggs he had dyed. It was a very successful session!
I continued to coach Dad and especially Aiden’s Mom, who was particularly anxious when preparing dinner. I offered to come to their home and observe how dinner prep was going to see if I could offer any suggestions on making it a less stressful experience for Mom.
During one of the sessions, Crystal, who was now five years old, and I were playing with Play Dough. Without any warning, Mom, who was prepping dinner, suddenly said, “It’s time to clean up the Play Dough.” I thought it was very abrupt and didn’t really understand the urgency, but once Mom said it, I started to comply and to help Crystal clean up the Play Dough. Crystal became extremely upset. She also felt the request to clean up was abrupt and didn’t understand the urgency. She yelled, “I will not clean up the Play Dough!”
Mom started to withdraw her request to clean up. I backed Mom up. “Once you told us to clean up, it’s best to stick to that instruction.” Crystal was angry, Mom was terrified. I allowed Crystal to have her tantrum. She stomped her feet, clenched her fists, screamed, turned over a chair, threw the Play Dough and cried hysterically. She told me she hated me and demanded that I leave her house.
I supported Mom. Mom was extremely dysregulated. Saying repeatedly that she did it wrong, she should have given Crystal more warning, that it wasn’t really necessary to clean up yet. I stayed between Mom and Crystal allowing both to have their feelings.
When Crystal was finished, she picked up the chair, wiped her tears, and helped me clean up the Play Dough. When we were finished she exclaimed, “I’m so glad you were here. Finally, I got to be angry!”
A Direct Path
When parents don’t allow children to feel and express, the positive outcomes that the parents intend are not what happens. When not allowed to feel their emotions, children stop trusting themselves. They think there’s something wrong with them. They either shut down or lash out, only to be told not to feel even louder and with more hysteria and crippling control from their parents. Fast forward 13 years and that 6 year old who wasn’t allowed to have a tantrum when a parent told him “No” becomes that 19 year old who won’t get out of bed. It’s a direct path.
In addition to not allowing their children to experience emotions, parents also lead with fear. If you head out to any playground, zoo, park or sidewalk these days what you’ll find are many fear-stricken parents micromanaging kids’ every move. “Stop jumping,” “Put that down,” “Don’t run,” “Not so high,” “Come down,” are just a small sample of what kids endure as they attempt to move about and be children. Their parents are never more than a few inches from them; hands mere centimeters from them as they climb or slide, eyes glued on their children in what parents often call “It’s my turn to watch my child.” When did children start needing to be constantly watched?
Coupled with fear, many parents are doing something even more harmful. These parents are also hovering way too closely, while simultaneously staring at their phones. The message is “I don’t trust you and I’m afraid you’ll get hurt but I’m also addicted to my phone so that’s really more important to me, but I don’t want to be judged by other parents as being someone who isn’t watching my child.”
I feel Like I'm Being Watched
I was working with a mom who struggles to see her son as a separate person from her. When we first started working together, I noticed she answered questions I asked her 5-year old son and she never took her eyes off him. During one session, I drew a heart on a piece of paper and asked her to fill it up with things she likes about herself. I walked into another room to give her space to work on it. She was busily filling the heart, looking relaxed and pleased with herself. After about five minutes, I came back to the room where she was working. I started watching her. She paused her work. She looked nervous, self-conscious. I kept moving closer and closer until I was staring right at her paper. Staring intensely at the words she was writing in her heart. She looked at me, annoyed and confused. Then I asked her, "How did it feel to fill in the heart with things you like about yourself on your own compared to how it feel when I was watching you?" She told me, "When I was doing it on my own, I could concentrate and think of things easily to add to the heart. But as soon as I became aware that you were watching me, I instantly felt like I was doing something wrong. I couldn't think anymore. I was unable to do the work because you were watching me. I felt self-conscious and my brain shut down."
Kids can't be themselves, can't think, can't make decisions when they are being watched. We adults have to trust them and give them space to "be and do."
Many adults today have fond memories of cooking with their mother in the kitchen. Mothers showed their kids how to accomplish the task, offered a few basic safety tips, and dinners were made collaboratively. Children learned how to cook by being given opportunities to cook.
He Could Cut Himself!
During a coaching session, I gave a 5-year-old a non-serrated butter knife and said, “Cut your apple” and his mom had a complete meltdown. “I’m not down with your approach,” she hissed. “He could cut himself!” To which I responded, “It’s unlikely, but yes, he could cut himself and if he does, I’ll teach him how to clean and bandage the cut.”
When she finally calmed down (as he proceeded to cut the apple like a champ, even though I’m certain it was his first time being allowed to hold a knife), the mom finally came back to reality and realized it was a non-serrated butter knife. In her panic, she saw a big, sharp, unsafe knife and reacted with instant utter fear and near hysteria, therefore misreading the reality of the situation and fiercely tried to shut it down.
We’ve gone from the days when 11-year-olds babysit other people’s children, to these days when 11 year olds can’t read fluently, write clearly, make a simple snack, sort laundry, sweep the floor, and even sadly, cannot dress themselves or brush their own teeth in many cases. Parents contribute to their child’s sense of helplessness by doing things like filling their backpacks and carrying them to class. Kids who are strapped into their car seats by their parents, have no idea how to open a soda, and don’t know how to open doors (I am serious – it’s that bad).
Learning to Open Doors, Opens Doors
I was coaching a single mom who had three children, ages 14-7. The seven year old son had never been to school. I was spending one day a week with him so his Mom could work. On my first day with him, I realized he didn’t know how to open the car door or buckle his seat belt. He had never opened the door at the pizza shop. He couldn’t open a soda can. He had never used a key to unlock a door. He wouldn’t go to a different exhibit at the Science Museum without checking in with me.
After four days of working with me, he opened his car door, bucked his seat belt, opened the door to the pizza shop, placed his pizza order, opened his own soda, freely explored all levels of the Science Museum, and unlocked my office door. I helped Mom get him enrolled in public school so he could learn to read, learn his numbers, and literally “unlock” his life.
Controlling Correcting
Another way parents reduce their children’s sense of autonomy is by controlling correcting. Even for the few parents who allow their children to do actual things, kids are rarely perceived by their parents as doing it the correct way or at the correct speed. Mostly gone are the days of kids being given time and space to figure out how things work, make mistakes, take longer, and invent their own solutions. “Do it my way” almost instantly becomes, “Never mind, I’ll just do it.” The soul-crushing looks of confusion and disappointment on young children’s faces as their attempts to become competent and to be involved in their own lives are cut short because they “didn’t do it right enough or fast enough” are heartbreaking to witness.
Even though books, research, modeling, social media, and personal stories clearly show that children need to be allowed to feel their emotions and be autonomous in their own lives, it is incredibly challenging to move parents’ needles. The core of the issue is not children’s behavior, it is parental behavior. It’s been nearly impossible to teach parents why their young mammals need to be allowed to feel what they are feeling, enjoy independent (free-from-adults) risky, outdoor play, and help out when they ask (because when they’re little, they do ask to help).
Jasper’s Story
I was sitting at the kitchen table of a Mom I coach who has a five year old son, Jasper. I had been coaching her for a few months, but she was still struggling to support her son's autonomy. I came over on a night when Mom, Dad and Jasper were getting ready to go to a hockey game that Dad was playing that night.
Mom told Jasper to put on his socks and Jasper agreed. Then Mom went to another room and Jasper told his mom that he wanted to wear his sandals so he wouldn’t put on his socks. Mom became very confused about what to do. I said, “You already told him to put on his socks and he agreed. So, he doesn’t get any attention from you until he puts on his socks.” Mom became very dysregulated and confused. Jasper went to ask his Dad for help. I told Dad to continue getting ready for the hockey game.
With no reaction from Mom or Dad, Jasper brought his sock basket to the kitchen table. He took about five minutes and eventually found the socks he was looking for and put them on.
Next, I asked Mom if they were going to eat before the game or at the game. Mom said she wanted to make dinner and take it with them. I suggested Jasper make dinner.
When I asked Jasper what he would make, he said, “Pizza!” Mom told Jasper there was frozen pizza in the freezer. I suggested Jasper could make his own pizza and asked him what he needed to gather in order to make himself pizza.
Mom was extremely agitated. She continued to tell Jasper to look in the freezer.
When Jasper couldn’t find the frozen pizza, he went back to the idea of making his own. He gathered a bagel, tomato sauce and cheese. Mom kept staring at Jasper. I kept giving her eye contract, but her eyes kept drifting over to Jasper. She couldn’t help but watch him, saying over and over, “But he doesn’t know how to do it. He’s never done it,” All while he was successfully making his own pizza!
I told Jasper to come and ask me for any help he needed. He cut the bagel and put it into the toaster oven. He asked me for help choosing the right setting. So I went over and read him the options and he picked one. Mom was still focusing on her task I had given her to do. Jasper told me he was too nervous to pull the bagel out of the oven. I went over to stand next to him and encourage him to take it out himself. I didn’t help him in any way, other than to stand next to him and tell him I was confident he could do it.
Jasper brought the pizza over to the table. He took a bite and Mom said, “Take off your new hockey jersey so you don’t get any pizza sauce on it.” I asked Jasper, “Do you have any ideas about how to keep your hockey jersey clean?” He ran to his room and came back wearing a larger shirt over his hockey jersey. I said, “Nice way to solve your problem, Jasper.”
It was time to go to the hockey game, so Jasper - on his own without Mom saying a word - went into the kitchen and found a container so he could bring his pizza to the game. He put a piece of plastic over the container so his pizza wouldn’t fall out. He taped the plastic to the container. He put away the tape and went into his room to take off the extra shirt.
His Mom saw his plate with sauce still sitting on the table. She asked me, “Should I put this away or leave it on the table?” I asked her, “Which of those choices most supports Jasper’s autonomy?” She said, “Leaving it here. But how long should I leave it?” I said, “Until Jasper puts it in the sink.” Jasper came back to the kitchen table, grabbed the plate and put it into the sink, astounding his Mom.
More Adults than Kids
Sarah, a mom I had been coaching for two years, was taking a hike with her nine year old daughter, Janna and Janna’s friend, Lena, and both of Lena’s parents. Sarah has been working with me on increasing her comfort level with risky, independent, outdoor play. So when Janna ran ahead, Sarah took a deep breath and let her run out of sight. Lena’s parents were shocked and alarmed. “We can’t see the girls!” Lena’s Mom exclaimed. Dad ran ahead, “I’ll go get them!” Lena’s Mom told Sarah, “How could you let them run off like that? Anything could happen to them!” Sarah felt outnumbered and so she said nothing. For the rest of the hike, the girls were required to stay within eyesight of all three adults.
When the Real Shaming Begins
And then, when our over-controlled, over-managed, and overly anxious children find their essential need for independent, risky physical play met by playing video games, that’s when the real parental shaming begins. Most parents feel screens are bad and harmful, but their own fear of their children’s emotions, unwillingness to allow children to help out, and their over-supervision of their play are exactly what drive their children to screens in the first place. Now children have found their own way to experience unsupervised, risky play on their tablets, phones and computers, only to be told by parents that the activity they enjoy so much is “wrong” and bad for them. What do parents expect kids to do with that messaging? Many children are left feeling, “If what I most like to do is bad, then I’m bad.”
Tale of the Two Minecrafts
When my sons were about 8 and 10, they fell in love with playing Mindcraft. Personally, I didn’t see the appeal, but they certainly did. I listened to endless descriptions of their Minecraft adventures that I only partially understood. But clearly, it was important to them. They played Minecraft most days, along with many other activities.
My friend, Doug, also had a son who loved Minecraft. But every time Doug’s son, Billy, would talk about how much he loved playing Minecraft, Doug would sigh and say things like, “When I was a kid, we didn’t have video games. We would play outside for hours.” I could tell Billy felt disappointed and deflated by his dad’s response and lack of connection with what was important to him.
Over time, Billy’s sense of disappointment turned into shame. “If my Dad thinks Minecraft is bad and I love to play it, I must be bad.” Doug tried every trick in the book to get his son to stop playing Minecraft. He took him fishing, which Billy loved when he was young, but eventually, he refused to go fishing with Doug.
Doug tried turning off the wifi to get Billy to stop playing. One day, I was picking Billy up to take him out for ice cream, but he said he was too mad at his father and didn’t want to go. After sitting with him in the car for a while, Billy finally agreed to get ice cream. During our time together, Billy shared why he was so upset, “I was in the middle of building a world in Minecraft and my dad turned off the wifi suddenly. I lost a whole day of work. Why do I even bother?”
Now Billy is starting his freshman year of high school. Doug has given up and Billy spends most of his waking hours in his room, playing video games. Recently, I took Billy out to dinner and he was excited to make me an espresso using the new espresso machine he had just bought himself. I could tell that earning the money for it and being able to make me a really fancy cup of coffee was very important to him. He talked about it the whole drive from the restaurant to his house.
When we got there, Doug came into the kitchen and started grilling Billy with questions, taking out the milk for him, and generally taking away his autonomy for making the espresso. I tasted it and told Billy it was delicious. I could tell that Billy was frustrated, annoyed, and upset that he hadn’t been able to make it for me himself. Eventually, he slunk out of the kitchen and into his room… to play video games for the rest of the night.
Making the Connections - What the heck is the aMCC?
Now it’s time to explore the connection between not letting kids feel, not letting kids help out, not letting kids play independently outdoors, and phone/social media addiction. And how today’s parents have unwittingly placed themselves at the root of the problem by doing all the things they have been told to do by doctors, mental health professionals, teachers and other parents.
The connection lies in the way our brains are wired. The aMCC. The anterior mid-cingulate cortex is a brain region that’s part of the midcingulate cortex located in the center of the brain. It’s a network hub that’s involved in many tasks, including:
Pain and negative emotions
Hunger and thirst
Selecting actions (aka Making choices)
Monitoring errors (aka Handling hard moments)
Cognitive motor control
Tenacity (aka Sticking with things even when they’re frustrating)
Simply stated, children and adults grow their aMCCs every time they choose to do things they don’t want to do. Young children often don’t have the brain development to think in the long-term. They are beautifully and wisely in the moment (which we adults could emulate more of the time). So, it is parents’ job to teach children how to choose to do things they don’t want to do in the moment to literally grow their brains. To develop persistence, tenacity, to develop the Executive Function so they can literally function in the world they will grow into.
These days, when told by their children, “I don’t want to do it” followed perhaps by tears, anger, rude words or crossed arms, thrown toys, hitting, biting or spitting most parents do one of the following FIVE Behaviors:
Get mad.
Do it for the kid.
Drop it.
Tell the kid they do want to do it (aka Bribe them into wanting to do it).
Force the kid (“win” a power struggle).
When children aren’t allowed to do things they don’t want to do, their brain (their aMCC) literally shrinks. Then, it makes it harder to do the thing they don’t want to do the next time. And on and on until the 19-year-old doesn’t want to get out of bed in the morning, so he doesn’t. And the 12-year-old doesn’t want to set down her phone, so she doesn’t. And the 8-year-old doesn’t want to turn off Minecraft, so they don’t.
The Internet is full of stories about how the algorithms were intentionally designed to make kids addicted by giving them repeated hits of dopamine. It’s true that it’s more addictive for kids with ADHD and Anxiety and kids who are neurodiverse. There are many studies which prove that reality.
Without knowing it, when parents hear that research and the subsequent advice of doctors, mental health professionals, teachers, they blame the tool (aka the phone) and the platform (aka Social Media). This decision to blame phones and social media keeps parents from taking responsibility for teaching their children how to grow their aMCCs, so they can easily and often choose to do things they don’t want to do (aka put down the phone and turn off the screen).
Parents aren’t teaching kids how to easily and often put down their phones, turn off social media, move through the discomfort of a comment made on SnapChat, and turn off the screen. So, kids aren’t learning how to make the choice to get outside and enjoy moving their bodies freely in ways that bring in all the dopamine they need (along with serotonin, endorphins, and other feel-good chemicals).
Parents need to teach their children how to choose (there’s that pesky word again) to use their growing brains, their ever-enlarging aMCCs to “beat” the algorithms, to bring in dopamine in more balanced ways, and to “win the day.” Parents need to teach their children how to make choices that enable them to take responsibility for their lives, rather than being taught that they are helpless victims of a demonic modern-day tool and evil human-created algorithms that will inevitably ruin their lives and there’s nothing that can be done.
At this point, some parents are saying: “Ha! I got this! I read all the studies and I listened to my pediatrician and I have been controlling my kid screen-use all his life. He is only allowed one hour of screen time on weekends and I take his phone away before bed. He doesn’t have a screen problem. We’re not like all those other families.”
So what’s wrong with this response? The act of parents limiting a child’s screen time is actually a version of Behavior 5 - what parents do when kids don’t want to do something. We force them. We control them. We “win” the power struggle. Instead of teaching kids how to do something they don’t want to do (put down the phone, turn off the screen, breathe through the mean-girl comments, turn off the socials), we decide for them. Every time we decide for a child, we take away a child’s chance to do something they don’t want to do. We cause their aMCCs to shrink just a little bit more. As Alfie Kohn states in his landmark book Unconditional Parenting, “Kids learn to make decisions by making decisions. Not by following directions.”
And if parents look ahead, at some point (later and later for our young adults these days), eventually young adults will move out of our homes and live independently. Who is going to take away their phones now? Who is going to scold them for staying up all night playing video games? How are they going to do things they don’t want to do when their shrunken aMCCs have rarely had even the smallest workout?
Parents’ Superpower: Growing their own aMCC
Closing the loop, imagine what happens when a child tells their parent, “I don’t want to do that” and the parent says, “Great, this is a chance to grow your aMCC. You get to grow your brain today by doing something you don’t want to do.”
Here’s what most kids are going to do (at first):
Scream (louder and louder if the first scream didn’t work), cry, yell
Throw and break things
Call you mean names
Threaten to do harmful things to you or others or property
Start to hyperventilate, say they can’t breathe
Hit, pinch, bite
Slam doors
Roll eyes
Anything they can think up that will get you to do one of the Five Behaviors you’ve done in the past when they said they didn’t want to do something.
The longer parents have been doing any of the Five Behaviors, the longer and louder and more frequent they will do one or more of the Nine Behaviors. Without knowing it and without meaning to, parents have actually taught their children that when they don’t want to do something if they do one or more of the Nine Behaviors long enough and loud enough, parents will do one or more of the Five Behaviors, and kids won’t have to do what they don’t want to do (or in the case of Behavior 5, they will do the thing, but with anger, resentment that later turns to sneakiness, lying, and hiding, and an ever shrinking aMCC).
So, we’re full circle back to parents gaining the new skill – that was never taught or modeled for them, which is why they don’t have it: How to tolerate the intolerable – their child’s feelings.
The skill is for parents to learn how to keep their emotions exactly the same no matter how their child feels, no matter what your child does, no matter what your child says. This is the great skill of parenting that very few parents have been taught and almost no one has mastered. Many don’t even believe it is possible.
The irony of confronting the Nine Behaviors is that even teachers, nurses and other experts who have totally mastered this skill in their professional work with other people’s children, completely unravel when they confront the Nine Behaviors with their own children.
So how does a parent stay grounded and centered when their child is doing one of the Nine Behaviors? Here are the skill-gaining steps:
Get grounded and centered.
Eat some protein and drink a nice, cold glass of water or warm cup of tea. Fill up with whatever settles and grounds your physical body.
Choose clothes and shoes that are comfortable. Feel good about how you look.
Connect with your physical body. Connect with your inner strength and deep inner wisdom. You are going to need to stay connected to that strong, wise place in your body throughout this skill-building experience.
Choose a time when you have nowhere to be and nothing is on your to do list for the time period you choose (at least 2 hours).
Choose a time when you are feeling good about yourself as a person and as a parent (I mean it. This is going to be challenging in ways you cannot imagine).
If possible, choose a time when other children and pets are out of the house. If that’s not possible, to an age-appropriate extent prepare the other children.
Find the place in yourself where you believe in this 100%. If you only believe it in 99%, it won’t work and you’ll be even further from gaining this Superpower than you were and you’ll end up saying, “See I tried it and it didn’t work.”
Get a supportive adult as a witness/facilitator (could be a co-parent or friend or a professional – this is very important. It is impossible to gain this skill alone.) This person needs to be 1000% certain it will work and that it’s good for your child because at some point in the process, your confidence will fail you, and you will need this person to stay confident and be able to follow-through.
Another important job of the witness/facilitator is to keep other children and pets safe. That’s not your job. Your job is to stay grounded and calm (and it’s a damn near impossible job so you’re going to need all your focus to be on yourself).
*** Important note: If you start this and you end up doing any of the Five Behaviors, it will set you backwards and make it a zillion times harder for you and for your child the next time****
When you’re ready, tell (don’t ask, telling is often one of the hardest steps when parents are gaining this skill); tell your child to do something they don’t want to do. When they say some version of, “I don’t want to…” Respond by saying, “Good, I told you to do that because I know you don’t want to and it’s time to start growing your brain.”
Only say it once. Ironically, here’s that step again: Only say it once. They heard you. They understand what you said. They just don’t like it. There is a difference. This is another vital part of gaining the skill. Nothing happens for the kid until they do what you told them to do. You give them zero attention, no further explanations, no bribing, no repeating, no negotiating. They get nothing from you until they do what you told them one time to do. This is where your support person will be extremely helpful.
This can be an extremely challenging step in the skill-building process. This is an important step to make sure you are 100% confident about this step in the process is vital to moving forward. If you don’t yet believe you only tell it once, work on that step before moving ahead with the actual learning experience. This is the place where so many parents don’t experience the beauty of this process. When they tell their kid what to do and their kid says a thousand versions of:
Why?
I don’t get it.
What if I do it later?
What if I do half of it?
They ask and negotiate because that’s always worked in the past (It’s a mix of Behaviors Three & Four – Dropping some of it while talking them into wanting to do it). Tell them once and then go on to the next steps below.
Here is a quick example of what to do when you tell your child one time what to do and instead of doing the Nine Behaviors, they wander off hoping you’ll forget (if you’ve been prone to straight up Behavior Three in the past, they may hope you’ll drop it again this time.)
Mom: Beth, please fold your laundry and put the clothes away in your drawers.
Beth: I don’t want to.
Mom: I know you don’t want to, that’s why I told you to do it. I’m teaching you how to grow your brain.
Beth wanders into her room, hoping you’ll let it go (Behavior 3).
Bring her the laundry basket. Calmly stare at the laundry basket and look at Beth. Then walk away. Don’t engage with her until either she folds and puts away the laundry or launches into any of the Nine Behaviors.
If she folds and puts away the laundry, thank her and then think up something she really doesn’t want to do and tell her one time to do it (It’s worth repeating the tell and one time step because it is the step that parents struggle to follow through most often. If you ask or say it more than once, it makes life so much harder for your children and you). You’ve gone to all the trouble to plan, to set aside the time, to have your witness/facilitator person on board. Find a way to tell your child one time to do something they don’t want to do enough that they start the Nine Behaviors.
Then, here’s the almost impossible part… Stay completely grounded and unaffected no matter how many or how long or how loud they do the Nine Behaviors. I encourage parents who are sensitive to loud sounds to put on noise-canceling headphones. Lean on your support person if you start to feel anything other than what you felt when you started. Connect to your inner strength.
Here are some tips for what to do while your child is doing the Nine Behaviors:
Look at anything other than your child. Give them no eye contact. Turn the spotlight of your attention away from them.
Say nothing to your child. Nothing. No words.
Take a ball of yarn and unroll/roll it up.
Grab a ball of clay and flatten it and then roll it back up again.
Sip a cup of soothing tea.
Breathe deeply.
Bring to your mind something you’re very grateful for in your life.
Listen to a favorite song.
Say a mantra like “I am safe” “I am love” “I am helping my child’s brain grow”
Ask for a hug or neck massage from your support person
Be in the moment*
*I’m going to say more about that last one because it’s what I find parents most struggle with when I am their support person while their child is doing the Nine Behaviors. Instead of noticing what is happening in the moment (these are real examples) chairs being knocked over, trash cans being spilled, windows being broken, parents being hit, books being pulled off shelves, potted plants being flung so dirt gets all over white carpet, kids scratching you, kids swearing, kids bending your fingers backwards… you get the picture, instead of just calmly noticing these things (aka being a sportscaster and saying in your head what is happening in the moment), many parents catastrophize and futurize, which sounds like:
This is never going to end.
I will never get this mess cleaned up.
He is going to tear down the house.
She is going to end up in a mental hospital.
She’s going to break my fingers.
We’re all going to bleed to death because of the broken glass
Parents, it will end. Children will clean up the mess they made during the Nine Behaviors. Homes will still be standing. When parents gain this skill, their children’s mental health dramatically improves. The support person can help the child release her fingers if she doesn’t stop. Broken glass can be cleaned up easily by the child and they will learn valuable lessons and skills when they save up the money, go to the store to buy a new pane of glass, google how to replace it, and make the repair with only minimal age-appropriate support from you/your support person.
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*** Another Important Note: The witness/facilitator is the person who helps your child in age-appropriate ways clean-up/repair all of the mess they made – best case right after the Nine Behaviors have ended, but in the case of a child who falls asleep or is too dysregulated to do a meaningful clean up – the clean-up/repair happens a few hours later or the next day or in the coming weeks depending on what went down during the Nine Behaviors.
The important part of this aspect of gaining the skill is that the parent does not clean up the mess. The mess is the child’s responsibility (regardless of age). And that means, the clean-up might not be as immaculate as you would have done it. Back to the importance of allowing kids to do actual things in their actual lives. More important for them to take responsibility for the clean-up than for it to be done perfectly.
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That’s all for the future. As you are gaining the new skill, your job is to stay in the moment and completely focused on yourself and on staying grounded throughout the Nine Behaviors. The future will come when it comes.
Eventually, children all wind down and stop doing the Nine Behaviors. They may end up falling asleep, they may finally do the thing you told them once to do, they may have run out the clock and you put the task on hold for another round on another day. They will move on in some way. No human being can do the Nine Behaviors forever (even though as the Nine Behaviors are happening, it feels like forever. That’s where the support person comes in).
The “win” comes not from anything your child does or doesn’t do. This exercise is not about the kid doing the thing you told them one time to do. This exercise is about you, the parent, making the choice to do something you don’t want to do – not reacting to the Nine Behaviors (and thereby growing your own aMCC) by staying grounded and in exactly the same emotional state you were when you started no matter how long or how loud the Nine Behaviors happened.
Allowing the Nine Behaviors to happen without your intervention and without changing your own emotional state will grow your aMCC and make it easier for you to withstand the Nine Behaviors the next time they happen.
Of course, you won’t always be able to prepare and plan. The Nine Behaviors will erupt – often at the worst times possible. That’s why proactively gaining the Superpower will help you put on your cape and fly it when you least expect it.
Why is this so Challenging for Parents to Master?
One of the reasons this skill is so hard to master is because of parents’ own experiences as children. Even for those parents who were allowed to take risks, help out, and expected to follow through, childhood still might have memories of feeling helpless. What helps build the skill is to change the limiting beliefs we brought on-line in childhood. As parents, we are no longer young, adult-dependent children. We are now mature adults who are in charge of ourselves.
In his landmark book, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk teaches, “Trauma robs us of the feeling we are in charge of ourselves.” No need to get hung up on the word “trauma” if that doesn’t resonate. Feel free to edit the quote to say “The feeling of things happening that I didn’t like robbed me of the feeling I was in charge of myself.” Adults changing that limiting belief to understand we are in charge of ourselves is a complete game-changer.
Old Yeller
Many adults remember watching the movie Old Yeller with great sadness. The movie tells the story of a young boy who loves his dog. The boy ends up having to shoot his dog because he got bit by a rabid wolf, saving his family’s life. It is a gut-wrenching movie that most adults remember intensely if they saw it as children.
In my work coaching parents, I have come to realize that our lives are like movies we watch and form beliefs based on what we experience. If you watch Old Yeller as a three year old, you might bring on board the belief that the boy is cruel because he shot his own dog.
If you watch it again as a 33 year old, you might change your belief to understand the boy was acting out of safety for his family and love and kindness for his dog who had rabies and needed to be put down.
If parents go back and “re-watch” the movie of their lives as grown ups, many will find there are beliefs they brought on-line when they were very young that they can change now they are older and understand the realities more clearly.
You might “re-watch” the movie of you spilling milk as a two-year-old, and watching your mom yelling at you. The belief you might have brought online is: “I did something bad, so I am bad.” Now as an adult, you can “re-watch” that movie and play the part of the Mom who says, “No worries, sweetheart. Everyone spills sometimes. Let’s clean it up together and get you a new glass of milk.” Now the new belief is, “I’m a good person who sometimes makes mistakes.”
A New Mantra; A New Inner Voice
A powerful mantra is I am in charge of myself and I’m grateful. Repeating that as a parent’s inner voice can help that parent stay in charge of herself when that old belief from childhood creeps in.
When our children are doing the Nine Behaviors, their behavior “pokes” their parents’ bodies (and therefore their minds and emotions) in the place their bodies felt that powerless feeling in childhood when they did the Nine Behaviors.
In her book The Awakened Family: How to Raise Empowered, Resilient, and Conscious Children, Shefali Tsabary tells parents, “We are triggered not by their behavior, but by our own unresolved emotional issues.”
Our Past is not Our Kids’ Present
I was recently teaching a workshop about how to parent collaboratively with kids. The Dad of seven year old, Micah, asked me how he could get Micah to brush his teeth before bed. “I have to ask him dozens of times and he never brushes his teeth until I get upset and yell at him.”
I coach him to tell Micah he is going to his room with the book they are reading and after he brushes his teeth, Micah can join him. They will read until his 8:30 bedtime. If Micah comes to his room with brushed teeth before 8:30, they can read together. If 8:30 comes and Micah is not in his room with brushed teeth, Dad will get on with his evening. Micah agrees with the plan. “But what if he cries when he finds out I’m not in his room?,” Dad asks me. “Let him cry,” I coached. “It’s OK for Micah to be sad if Micah chose not to follow through on his agreement with you. It’s important that you follow through on what you said you would do.” “But when he cries, I always comfort him,” Micah’s Dad says. “When I was a child, no one comforted me when I cried.”
When a child is crying because they are injured or a pet dies, for example, of course parents comfort the child. However, when a parent and child make an agreement, and the child doesn’t follow through, it’s important for the parent to follow through. For the child to “feel in their body” what their choice to not follow through feels like so the next time, they will remember that sad feeling and will hopefully choose this time to brush their teeth and get to read the book.
If Dad doesn’t do what he told Micah he would do (get on with his night) and instead comforts Micah, then Micah is much less likely the next night to choose to brush his teeth on his own. And, by not following through on their agreement, Dad misses an important opportunity to deepen a secure attachment with Micah by doing what he said he would do. “Say what you mean and do what you say,” is such an important part of creating/deepening a secure attachment with your caregiver and yourself.
“It’s hard for you to let Micah feel sadness,” I coach Dad, “because you felt alone with your sadness as a child. But you are there to comfort Micah when he’s upset by something that happens in his life. In this case, he caused his own upset by not brushing his teeth. So by following through on your agreement to get on with your evening, you’re teaching him that you do what you say you’re going to do.”
That’s how Micah will learn the importance of doing what he says he will do. That builds the Inner Belief System (IBS) that says, “I am a person of integrity who follows through and does what I say I’m going to do, just like my Dad showed me every day by following through on our agreements and doing what he said he would do, even when it was hard for him."
By following through you are teaching him that healthy love has boundaries and that mature, healthy grown-ups do what they say they are going to do. That helps kids feel the world is reliable, consistent and safe. When parents do something different from what they said they would do, it confuses kids. And confused kids rarely learn what we are hoping to teach them.
Be the Lighthouse for Our Kids
The art of parenting is to be with our kids, but not to join their emotional storms. I call it Being the Lighthouse. Your child is metaphorically out in a boat at night on choppy waters. Instead of jumping in the water and trying to pull them back to shore, be the steady, strong Lighthouse, shining the warm light, pointing them to dry land. When they are ready, they will use their oars and follow the light you are providing back to shore.
That’s really the essence of the Superpower. Learning how to stay in parents’ adult, mature, “upstairs brain,” while their children do their very age-appropriate Nine Behaviors. The point is, parents are so grown up and in charge of themselves, they aren’t emotionally affected by the Nine Behaviors.
As parents develop this new skill, they can increase the level of difficulty by making the task they tell their child one time to do less and less desirable to them, getting through the Nine Behaviors without a support person, all the way up to Superpower Level of Difficulty 101.72: Getting through the Nine Behaviors without any change in their emotional state without a support person in public in front of someone who disapproves of their reaction (letting the Nine Behaviors happen without getting emotionally aroused). Impossible? If parents keep working daily on improving their new Superpower, growing their own aMCC, and the impossible will be possible.
What about the Gentle Parents?
Most of this book has been about parents who are terrified of their children’s feelings and do one or more of the 5 Behaviors, but there is a minority of parents who are so hell-bent to accept their children’s feelings that they over-validate and over-indulge their children’s feelings, while all too often getting sucked into the wake of their children’s feelings – The so-called Gentle Parents.
Any time a child’s feelings change a parent’s feelings whether it makes the parent do the Five Behaviors or makes the parent over-validate and over-indulge a child’s feelings - anytime a child’s feelings changes a parent’s feelings, it’s harmful to children. It’s unhealthy, co-dependent, over-identified, and it keeps children from growing their brains.
When children’s feelings affect parents’ feelings and actions, it carries double the weight for the child. They felt how they felt and they carried the impact of their feelings on their parents.
Keep Licking your Own Ice Cream Cone
Malcolm and Petra had been friends for years when they both decided it was time for them and their partners to have kids. Their children, Emma and Luke, who were 4 and 5 years old, were also good friends. One summer evening, Malcolm called Petra and asked if she and Luke wanted to meet up for ice cream.
They met at the local ice cream parlor and each ordered a cone. “I think three scoops is a lot for one cone,” Malcolm warned Emma. “You might want to choose to get those scoops in a bowl,” Petra cautioned Luke. Both Emma and Luke chose three scoops on cones.
As all four sat down to enjoy their cones, Luke’s ice cream immediately fell off the cone. When Emma leaned over to try to catch his scoops, hers also fell off her cone. Now there were six scoops of ice cream melting on the scorching asphalt.
Both Luke and Emma immediately started crying. Petra was distraught. “Oh no honey, Mommy is so sorry that happened. Here, take my ice cream.” That made Luke cry even louder. Petra raced over to the line, demanding she be allowed to order immediately, even though more than a dozen people were all waiting patiently. “Here honey, Mommy got you a new cone. Are you OK? You poor thing.”
Malcolm had a very different reaction. He calmly continued to lick his ice cream cone. Emma eventually quieted down and turned to Malcolm and said, “Next time I order three scoops, I’ll ask them to put them in a bowl. Three scoops is too much for a cone.” Malcolm replied, “That makes a lot of sense, sweetie. I’m glad you sorted that out. Let’s plan another trip to get ice cream soon.”
What about Kids Who Use “Sugar” instead of the 9 Behaviors?
There is another route some kids use to change their parents’ emotions and decisions.
The 3 Sweet Approaches:
Daddy’s Little Girl, we have this special bond
I’m a good kid
I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it. Don’t you love me anymore (playing on guilt)
Some kids have learned that if they “turn on the charm” and/or appeal to their parents' sense of guilt their parents will change their mind. For these kids, instead of doing any of the 9 Behaviors, they appeal to the special connection they have with their parents.
When told to do something they don’t want to do, these kids say things like:
Daddy, I like it when you do it for me.
If you do it for me, I’ll know you love me.
You know I’m a good kid most of the time, can’t I just chill out this one time?
I’m really sorry, Mom. I’ll never forget again. Can’t you do it for me just this once?
I didn’t realize you wanted me to take out the trash today. I was going to do it tomorrow.
Do you still love me if I didn’t walk the dog?
Anytime our emotions and decisions change because of what our kids do, we are taking away our kids’ chance to grow their brains by doing things they don’t want to do.
Jill & the Airplane Trip
Jill was traveling by airplane with her four year old, Alyssa, from their home in Northern California to visit Jill’s Mom in London, a 10 ½ hour flight. Alyssa managed to quietly enjoy looking out the window and coloring in the new coloring book Jill bought her for the trip. Eventually however, Alyssa became impatient and fussy. Jill took a deep breath and prepared herself for the storm that was coming.
“Mama, I want the chocolate we are taking to Grandma’s! Give it to me now!” “Alyssa,” Jill patiently said, “We agreed at the store that if we bought the chocolate, we would wait to enjoy it after we got to Grandma’s house.” Then, Alyssa descended into an ear-piercing tantrum of demands and threats. People on the plane turned and stared. The couple in front of Jill turned to each other and whispered disapprovingly. The Stewardess asked if she could offer Alyssa something to drink.
Jill, calmly read her book. She turned the pages. She let Alyssa have her feelings and Jill's own feelings were not activated in any way.
After about seven minutes, Alyssa put her head in Jill’s lap and fell asleep. Jill continued to read her book.
“Teaching people how to regulate their emotions is crime prevention. It’s addiction prevention. It’s the path to a world where people can disagree, and still respect each other,” Dr. Nicole LePera, The Wholistic Psychologist.
Life after the Superpower is Mastered
Children who are raised in environments where their parents had this Superpower, literally never do the Nine Behaviors. Of course they have the full range of human emotions. They get sad and cry. They get frustrated, angry, hurt, upset – they still feel all the feelings!
The all-important difference is, they get to feel what they authentically feel because they feel it. They don’t do the Nine Behaviors to get out of doing something they don’t want to do or to change their parents’ mind or their feelings. They don’t employ the 3 Sweet Approaches, and their parents don’t over-identify with their children’s feelings (The Gentle Parents). These children know with calm, regulated certainty that their parents will not change their mind or emotions if they do the Nine Behaviors, so they just don’t bother. They just do the thing their parents told them once to do and keep moving. Simple. No drama. That’s a hugely important concept to really sink into and take in as a vital belief and practice.
Max’s Story
When Max was born, he was what people call “a handful.” He cried more than other babies, he had trouble falling asleep. Max’s mom, Sharon, rarely put him down because he would scream so loudly. He was only consoled when he was being carried outdoors.
When Sharon took him to baby play groups, Max would pull the other children’s hair and scream uncontrollably. Sharon eventually stopped taking him to baby play groups.
Max started working with a Play Therapist when he was three years old. She helped Sharon learn about how to parent this challenging little person. “Make time every day for Max to lose it. Make sure he knows he doesn’t always get his way, even though he will react strongly.”
So, Sharon stopped accommodating most of his requests. Max wanted the DVDs to be stacked in a certain way after trips to the library. Sharon would arrange them differently and Max would scream, hit, yell, and rage for hours.
Starting at age 5, Max rode horses. He eventually learned to train the horses so less experienced riders could ride them. He learned to give the horses medical care. For seven years, he did karate three nights a week and eventually earned his black belt.
By the time Max was eleven, he started training to be a counselor at the local Day Camp. By the time he was 15, he was a full-time counselor.
Sharon worked with therapists and child development experts to gain the skills needed to consistently parent Max (mostly) without succumbing to his big emotional outbursts and physical impulsiveness.
Now Max is 28 years old, living completely independently, doing his dream job, and running marathons.
A Two-way Street
This process is a two-way, collaborative approach. Meaning, if a child tells her parent (respectfully of course) to do something, the parent listens and does what the child told them one time to do. No drama. The child knows her parents have her back. She knows her parent cares. She knows she and her parents are on a team and team members do what needs doing so the team is fun to be on. What does that look like for child to tell his Mom to do something?:
Son: Mom, I need you to pick me up from practice at 3:30 tomorrow.
Mom: Thanks for letting me know. I’ll reschedule my hair appointment.
Model, model, model what telling once to do things a person doesn't want to do looks and feels like in both directions: from parent to child and from child to parent. Everyone has respect, agency, and parents make the things that are important to their children, important to them, even if that parent would rather be doing something else (going to her haircut appointment). Then her son will make the things that are important to his mom, important to him.
Letting kids feel their authentic feelings for as long as they need to feel them without their feelings impacting our feelings is one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children. Giving them Emotional Autonomy is such a freeing experience. Children growing up knowing their feelings are both welcome and that their feelings don’t carry the weight of impacting our feelings as their parents.
As Lindsay C. Gibson says in her transformational book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, “Emotional intimacy involves knowing that you have someone you can tell anything to, someone to go to with all your feelings, about anything and everything. You feel completely safe opening up to the other person, whether in the form of words, through an exchange of looks, or by just being together quietly in a state of connection. Emotional intimacy is profoundly fulfilling, creating a sense of being seen for who you really are. It can only exist when the other person seeks to know you, not judge you.”
Growing up with the “felt sense” that children are separate, unique, individuals whose emotional landscape is both unconditionally accepted and completely autonomous from the emotional landscape of others, children are free to be their authentic selves and feel their authentic feelings without impacting their parents. When parents “over-identify” with their children, it takes away children’s innate emotional freedom.
The Critical Role of Empathy
Of course, parents have empathy for their children. They care deeply about their children and they must. When a 6 year old falls off his bike, when the block tower falls over, when the girlfriend breaks up with her daughter, of course the Mom understands how they feel. The key word in that sentence is they. How they feel. You are you. A parent’s job is to listen, validate, and do their best to understand exactly how they feel for as long as they need to feel that way. Ask them what they need because of how they feel about what happened to them, and do that for as long as they need it. You are there for them. They can count on their grown up to be a mature source of unconditional love and acceptance of them no matter what and always.
Post Superpower Upload - The Author’s Own Story
So once parents have done the hard work and gained the skill of being able to keep their emotional world their own, regardless of their child’s behaviors, choices, words, actions, or beliefs there is freedom. The parent is the parent. The child is the child.
Now what? Is there more? It could get even better? Yes, indeed. That was just the starting point.
The next step once children reliably, consistently and easily do the things parents tell them one time to do, especially things they don’t want to do…. The next step is to get them to tell themselves once to do things they don’t want to do and then reliably do them without adults telling them what to do. What was that?
That’s right, the earlier in a child’s life his parent gains the superpower of keeping their emotions the same regardless of their child’s behaviors and the skill of telling once, then parents can start teaching their child how to make and follow through with their own To-do lists.
Each family can create their own version that works for their family. Here’s how it worked for my family.
The Harrods, Elisabeth, Jon, Will & James Self-directed Learning Journeys
Most people get lost when I tell them that my sons did not attend public school and they weren’t homeschooled. Let me explain.
I have two sons and even before they were born, I read to them, I talked to them, I brought them into my life. From the time I first held them, they lived life alongside me. We played, read books, laughed, and learned together.
As they were ready for it, they dove into their interests.
Everything from:
Dump trucks
Animals
Dinosaurs
Presidents
Doll houses
Fairy tea parties
Gardening
Board games
Reading & Listening to books & Music
Singing & Writing songs
Nerf & Lego
Making mud pies
Playing violin
Riding horses
Theater & choir
Tree climbing (yes, where we live, tree climbing is a class you can take)
Camping,
Gardening, Cooking & Baking
Telling stories
Sledding & Building with Snow
Swimming
Visiting Science Centers, Zoos and Museums
Apple & Berry Picking
Walking the dog
Building fairy houses
Dissecting animals (snakes, sharks, cats, pigs)
Meal planning, grocery shopping, putting food away, cooking meals, cleaning up meals
Vacuuming, sweeping, taking out the trash, composting, splitting wood, building fire and adding logs to the woodstove
Watching movies, watching TV shows
Making candles, playing with lit candles and carrots (James’s invention),
Making up our own games, playing with friends
Looking at the city bus schedule and making a plan for the day
Playing Minecraft and then the ultimate… Magic the Gathering.
The reason I listed all those interests and activities (of course they bring back special memories), but I mostly list them out so people who read this can think about what my sons learned from all those “living life together” activities. They learned enough to get into the colleges of their choice and have the careers of their dreams.
Starting around ages four and six, we would meet each night at the kitchen table to make our lists for the next day. Then, each morning, we would wake up, each make our breakfasts, and start on our lists. We’d each make food when we were hungry. Occasionally one of us (most often me, but not always) would make a meal for anyone who wanted it and the rest would go in the fridge to be warmed up when someone was hungry.
When my sons were ready, they made their own lists, and self-directed their own days without my involvement. If they needed anything from me, they would ask. They made mistakes, made wrong choices, injured themselves, got their feelings hurt, succeeded, met their goals, made friends, had relationships with all ages of people, found paid work, got themselves admitted to college, and asked me for help and guidance when they needed it. Found their own jobs post college. All with my steady, consistent support of their autonomy.
James and the Giant Toilet Paper
One day I was sitting in my car which was parked in the local drug store parking lot in our neighborhood in downtown Ithaca NY. I was talking on the phone to a parent about how great it was that his son had started doing the things on his To Do List without his dad reminding him. I was saying the next step is for his son to make his own To Do List without his dad reminding him and without his dad’s input. The Dad was remarking on how astonishing it would be to get to that point.
At that moment, my son, James, walked out of the drug store with a giant pack of toilet paper. He had noticed we were low on TP at home and walked to the store to buy TP with his own money. That is a person with a great deal of autonomy and well-developed Executive Function.
Connecting the Dots
Well, that was a long, challenging journey from blaming phones, video games and social media to getting at the root causes of screen and social media addiction: Parents being so uncomfortable with children’s discomfort that we aren’t giving their aMCCs a chance to grow, so they don’t have the skills, experience or actual brain power to make choices to self-regulate their relationship with screens and social media.
For parents who have made it this far (way to go, whew), if they tell other parents or educators or doctors about their Superpower, some parents may be interested and want to know more. However, most parents who are used to avoidance and sweeping things under the rug will push back or be uncomfortable. Most parents will cite research that says this approach is anything from a bad idea to harmful. Most professionals blame social media and phones for the mental health crisis children/teens and young adults are facing. Most warn that parents must limit, control, and prevent kids from using them. Parents who let their kids learn how to self-limit around social media and phones… Well, that’s not what the research tells us.
Most people believe it is impossible to stay in the same emotional state no matter what their kids are doing or saying. Parents being able to keep their emotions the same while their children are having strong feelings is an extremely unfamiliar, unpopular belief.
For parents who decide to try this approach and develop this Superpower, it may be enough to just sit back and enjoy the relationship they have with their kids as they grow their brains, learn how to make self-regulated choices with all the tools and algorithms in their lives and keep this wisdom to yourself. This doesn’t have to be every parent’s battle.
Calling in the Calvary
It is my battle, so once you see how well this works and experience the dramatic positive benefits of gaining this Superpower, instead of doing the intense work of telling your friends…. Send them to me. I got this.
And if you want me to be your witness/facilitator as you get through the Nine Behaviors, call me. I got you. And yes, I do it in person, virtually, and by phone.
Summer is Coming
I had been coaching the parents of an 8-year-old daughter named Summer and her little brother, Ocean, who was three at the time. I had met with Mom and Dad once in my office by themselves and once at their home with all four members of the family. I was coaching them on how to stay regulated when their children were dysregulated. At one point in the second coaching session, Summer asked me, “Are you recording this? These people need to remember what you are telling them!” So I recorded the session and emailed it to the parents when it was over.
One evening, my phone rang. It was Summer’s mother. Summer was having a full-on tantrum while Dad was out of town. Summer’s mom didn’t know what to do. I talked to her on the phone, helping her stay calm and grounded and keeping Ocean safe. Summer was raging, screaming, yelling threats and Mom was scared.
I encouraged Mom to step outside with Ocean and let Summer have her tantrum. Summer went into her mom’s office, turned over the trash can, threw tissues all over the office floor, pushed books off her mom’s bookshelf, dropped a potted plant onto the floor, which broke, leaving dirt all over the rug, then she locked her Mom out of the house. I stayed on the phone while Summer’s Mom cried and worried. Her main concern was getting the house cleaned up after the tantrum. Mom was terrified that she would never get the house cleaned up.
I stayed on the phone for 90 minutes. Eventually, Summer’s Mom returned to the house through the back door. I helped her tell Summer to clean up the mess, which Summer did. Summer picked up all of the tissues, returned all the books to the bookshelf, vacuumed the floor, repaired the pot and replanted the plant, and then put her head in her Mother’s lap.
Summer’s mother was in disbelief, not understanding why Summer behaved that way or how she managed to clean up her mess. I have not talked to Mom again, but I bumped into Summer at an outdoor concert the very next day. She gave me a big smile and high-five. That was all the confirmation I needed to know that Summer appreciated me letting her have her feelings, get her anger at her Mother out, and then take responsibility for her mess, and have the sense of accomplishment that cleaning it up gave her. Every time I see Summer out and about, she has a big smile for me. Makes me keep doing this work, especially on the challenging days.
Wanna Learn More About Why This Works?
Here are some research papers, books and articles that support all the concepts I’ve shared. Be well.
It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens, by danah boyd
The Self-driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, by William Stixrud, PhD and Ned Johnson
What do you Say? How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, by William Strixrud, PhD and Ned Johnson
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting or Self-Involved Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsYD
How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, by Julie Lythcott-Haims
The Good News about Bad Behavior, Katherine Reynolds Lewis
Duct Tape Parenting: A Less is More Approach to Raining Respectful, Responsible and Resilient Kids, by Vicki Hoefle
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel Van Dr Kolk, M. D.
How Children Learn, John Holt
Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, more Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life by Peter Gray
Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child, by Dr. Ross Greene, Ph. D.
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn
Beyond Behaviors; Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges by Dr. Mona Delahooke, PhD
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, by Daniel J. Siegle, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
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